Journaling has been a daily ritual for me for as long as I can remember but I have struggled to journal at all for the past few weeks. With all that is going on I am trying to be in the moment for my family, but I find myself going to bed with a slightly frantic mind. Truth is I need to write in order to process it all in a productive manner. So here I am this morning, splaying the thoughts out there.
My dad continues his decline with cancer and my stepmother is fighting it every step of the way, avoiding getting help, avoiding the path they are helplessly on. The air is full of desperately holding on instead of the comfort of lovingly being there. To be fair, I am not sure how I would react if it were me instead. Its easy to say from the outside, “Sit your ass down and hold his hand!” but I do that with uncertainty as to how I would handle the same situation.
Becca leaves for school in Colorado in 10 days…its going so fast. So far I have been most worried about Emma’s reaction to her going but truth is we will all be affected. My son texted me that he wants to take her somewhere before she leaves. She needs no grand gestures, she just wants him to return a text message once in awhile, have dinner at the house with us, be real…sit his ass down and talk to her like a real person.
To add to the emotion, our cat was recently killed in our backyard by a bobcat, as far as we can tell from the evidence in our yard. The cat and dog were truly inseparable pals. Ever since the cat went missing the dog has been meticulously searching, sniffing and investigating the area each day. While I was inside reading yesterday, our dog came and deposited something on the carpet next to me. Emma asked, “Is that a hairball?” No, not a hairball, but a cattail, her buddy’s tail. Her little eyes looked so sad as she stood over it, showing it to me. So many emotion filled things taking place in our home right now.
The entire household is feeling it – the swirl of a cyclical shift where everything changes. Its time. I know I am ready. We’ve been through times like this before. I know we can take it, not sure they all know that we can. I guess my job right now then is to sit my ass down and hold the hands of those around me as we follow the path we are on today.
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